\\TBB\ iQuit

It's 4:55 AM, and I am tired of insomnia. The insomnia, caused by adrenaline, toxins and other chemicals, I've been inhaling into my body, and paying money for it. What was it worth for? When I was 15 yo, it was all about coolness, when I entered my twenties it was pure addiction. The nicotine, the smokes, the pseudo-socializing at work, when everybody keeps silent and at parties, when everybody craves for connection. I'm fed up with this. Today, I quit! My boss will get angry, because I will not go to work today, but really? Isn't Insomnia (even caused by self destructive behavior) not good enough reason? Well, I'm not betting on that anymore, as I did with previous job, I will simply go to my doctor and tell her how it is, actually I will lie, that I quit few days ago, so that she wont think it's some kind of idea fix, trying to get away from job. I will try to make her feel my last hope.



I began smoking when I was 14. I was staying in summer camp, and I was desperate to try something new. One guy was older and he was smoking already, and somehow I wanted to see whats so special about smoking, because if he does that, there is something hidden. He was way cooler with girls and material things. I smoked for two weeks, most of my cigarettes would go away to other kids and I didn't touched a cigarette until September, when we all came to the class. By then I found out, that two of my three best class mates have been trying smoking. So, we mutually decided, it was good choice and from then on, we will be proud smokers for one month, actually it was my idea. But then one month passed, we all became addicted and it was too late. Since then, I smoked everyday for 5 years. It had became my weapon against depression, accessory, after sex threat, dessert, breakfast coffee supplement, encouraging device...cigarette is probably the only thing I could think of endless associations with.
When I became 19, I quit smoking with my best friend. Now we were intelligent enough to know, that smoking is really bad idea. And we decided to quit cold turkey both. We did. We didn't smoked for 6 months. My friend started again, and I joined him after two weeks.
Then - three years of smoking. Until today.
Today I am afraid, that the damage might be done already. My teeth are terrible. My fingers are yellow and my skin ages faster. I see co-workers, who are few years older and smoke as much as I do, and they do look terrible. I got older girlfriend when I was 21, she was 25 and she was smoker. She was bad at sex, having low energy, her skin was terrible and I see same signs at my colleagues. When I see the scenario I am slowly but constantly approaching, I begin to ask myself, when that day will become, when it will be too late.
Its not the first letter, which I wrote during uncountable attempts at quitting, but it is first open one. I know there will be moments, when I will be thinking, that there is no point of quitting, nothing wrong will be happen to me or that I can have at least one cigarette as a reward. But the reality is, that it will happen, just as yellow teeth, weight loss (actually I look terribly slim now, and for a man it's not good) or short breath happened. And cigarette as a reward? Yes, the toxins and chemicals inside it are fooling brains, that everything is all right and ok, but its illusion. The deadly misguidance in the neurotransmitters.
So, whoever you are, smoker or not, thank you for reading this. By seeing numbers of posts read I will get small pushes forward, knowing that there is one more person, whom I feel obliged to not smoke.